Still

by Anthony Alvarado

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03:22
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01:31
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03:56
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04:23
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07:19
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about

I found out that my father was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer on September 12, 2012. It rattled everything I ever was and taught me more than I ever knew. It burned into me this idea of stillness, what it means and how it can truly flourish in moments. Ever-fleeting, I learned to never question a moment because in that tender time, I knew that not only would the moment wash from me, but the people I shared them with might not be there to share another. This record is a story of a period in my life where the spirit in me felt mauled, but remained still and present out of genuine necessity. And how important that is, what a gift it was.

credits

released September 1, 2015

All songs written by Anthony Alvarado

Produced by Anthony Alvarado and Jesse Barrera
Recorded at The JB Cave in San Diego, California
Engineered and mixed by Jesse Barrera
Mastered by Dan Coutant at Sun Room Audio in Cornwall, New York

Photography by Anthony Alvarado, edited by Bailey Munson
Layout and design by Anthony Alvarado and Travis Boatright
Artwork and illustration by Travis Boatright and Lauren Heneghan

Anthony Alvarado / vocals, acoustic guitar, rhythm electric guitar, yelling

Jesse Barrera / lead electric guitar, bass, yelling, additional vocal arrangement

Alan Ladan / keys, yelling

Eric Kern / drums

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Anthony Alvarado Fairfax Station, Virginia

Anthony - music doer, trying person, glad you are here

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Track Name: Wine (Précis)
My palms full,
how they drip of his doing, you pour into me;
a tender wine licking my skin into light.
The ocean in your mouth shone so bright with my body.
A blood magenta sang through her waves, O how she rippled;
my pulse, the repetitive wet stone.

Leaking slow out of this sea,
you went with the chime of tumor;
O how they echoed in my fathers body, grazing and bumping like nerves. the nervous boy,
he sleeps with scratches on the ceiling of his love,
his small hands fall cold and burned;
the shaking in his mother’s voice is too violent to breathe through, he did not feel.

And though it sings lovely early, and time has passed since,
morning, a sweet magic, still burns.

Small boy, know the sun still claws to be risen.

you should too, my dear, limping heart.
Track Name: Keep Me Warm
I saw fire ringing from your lips
As my legs trembled like scared children
And I draped my skin in gasoline and the prayer
for your flame to meet
So, please kiss me

I want your love to keep me warm
every single night
I hope your heat can melt away this foreseen regret
And turn it into memory
Oh, love
I want your love to keep me warm

Our kiss burned blue
As the sky mimicked our perfect tune
But this set aflame heart wrote poetry and sang out
“don’t extinguish me.”
(don’t extinguish me)

I want-I want-I want your love to keep me warm.

I want your love to keep me warm
every single night
I hope your heat can melt away this foreseen regret
And set me on you, set me on you.
Oh, love
I want your love to keep me warm.
Track Name: Still
You move in me like the sea above
So steady, so light
And though the miles burn between us
When I get you by my side
Oh, how I’ll sing out

You, love, are beautiful
Yes, you, love, are mine
You, love, are a miracle
And I drown in your Caribbean eyes, but I breathe easy-like

The joy in my heart is the spring wind
But you’ve got me feeling still
And I know this moment won’t last forever
So this is me, holdin’ on
And I pray you hear me

Because honey you need to know
That you, love, are beautiful
Yes, you, love, are mine
You, love, are a miracle
And I capsize in your Caribbean eyes

Now hold onto me, love
I won’t let go of you
I’ll keep you warm in my arms, love
I’ll swim this sea for you

‘Cause you, love, are beautiful
You, love, are mine
You, love, are a miracle
And I hold still in your Caribbean eyes
Yeah, you hold me still
Track Name: Golden Hour
I remember the way you placed your hands on the left side of my jaw when we kissed. You shone right through my dirty, stained-glass heart.

I looked to you and saw a crimson shine.
It was golden hour in August; you were reminiscent of the sky.
And I heard the song of our love waltz with the trees
You felt like home

But now I claw at the sun and sky
Crying out to God, asking ‘why’

I’m still drunk in your affection and it burns straight to my head.
But could you return because this is not how we were supposed to end.
Track Name: Fourth
A warm, mint, Thursday of independence,
Where I grew to understand that her eyes are clouds, reflecting the piercing moon
And all the love I couldn’t carve out loud

But if my squinting eyes are to go blind tonight, please know,
I’d never trade this last moment of sight here with you.

And as this firework heart set off in my chest, we sat and listened to constellations fall in love with the sky
Our hands carried conversations in our blueprints, as we heard constellations fall in love with the sky.

I saw both God and smoke that night.
They shook hands with each other.
They boxed with the wind; they sang soft songs as I saw the needle come down on her throat.

And I saw music ring from her mouth like truth.
I’ve never lost my breath so quickly, so willingly.

And as her head and my chest just locked, we sat and listened to constellations fall in love with sky.
I choked the desire to tell her how much I loved her with my bare hands.

As we sat and listened to constellations fall in love with the sky,
I never heard either one of them mention their love as long distance.
I saw this with my two blind eyes,
and she with her clouds.
Track Name: Speed Bump
His feet touch the ground as his heart is beating loud
She comes close and says
“Stay steady and slow. Amor, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.
(Look at me)
I don’t care how many tumors lie behind your eyes.
I’ll be by your left side.”

He says, “Your eyes are keeping me going,
but it hurts not knowing if I’ll see my daughter wed or get out of this hospital bed.
But with you by my side, I’ll be just fine.
Please rest assured, this is a speed bump.”

The buzz of the lights haunts me
but I tune them out and listen carefully to my father’s breath
Lord, I don’t know how much longer I have but I’ll repeat my mother.

“I don’t care how many tumors lie behind your eyes.
I’ll be by your right side.”

He looks up to me and says, “Son, wipe your eyes. I’m gonna be okay.
No, I’m not dying tonight. So please appreciate the time that we have here.
I love you, son.
But let me make this clear, this is a speed bump.”
Track Name: Oh, father
It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen your face
It’s been quite a while since I’ve known your grace
It’s been quite a while since I’ve heard your voice
It’s been some time since it felt like I had a choice
You seem so far away
I pray to God, you hear me say

Oh, father. I’m having some trouble here
Oh, father. I wish you didn’t have to go back home this year
It’s getting hard to be
My heart is growing tired of bracing itself for such a beating.
Oh, father.

The song of your heart is still so loud
The hum of your love, it rings, it rings out
In my soul, you still stand
But I crave,
I crave the warmth of your hand

Oh, father. I’m having some trouble here
Oh, father. My prayer, I hope you can hear me
I miss you so dearly
Oh but I love how you still hold me
Oh, father.

So keep my place warm, and when I get there we’ll be singing,
“Oh, Father.
Oh, Lord.”
And you’ll tell me all your stories, all the love I failed to see down below
We’ll sing our gracious melody. Oh, I can’t wait to see you again, oh, father.

Oh, Papa
Mi cielo
Track Name: For you are, Here
We sailed across these mountains, friend.
We didn’t know where to go.
It didn’t seem to matter what we did then
But, oh Lord, now we know.
(oh Lord, now we know.)

That we’re here to love
We’re here to be set free
We’re here and we are alive
Yes, we are alive.

Now, listen brother, I know you feel wronged
and I’m an open ear.
But please put down your sad songs,
lift up your head and listen clear
(lift up your head and listen clear)

Know you are loved
Know you can be set free
See, I know this life isn’t easy.

And you’ll face trial; I know I do.
But rest assured, there’s someone out there that loves you so
So live with your hearts open,
let the subway chambers inside your arms whistle a song of such redemption
For the wind at your back is calling out for you
For the sun in the sky, oh, how it yearns to warm you

For you are, now
For you are, here